I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
