I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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