When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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