i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
