when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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