Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
