Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
