My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
