Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
