I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
grandma shit on top of the toilet
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
