chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
