just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
