guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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