someone threw a dead crab at me
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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