I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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