I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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