Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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