Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
