wakey wakey hands off snakey
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
