Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
