Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
