If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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