Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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