My underwear smells like fireworks.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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