just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
