Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
