just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
