1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
