Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize