I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
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