addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
