Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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