He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
