Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
