Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
