I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
