then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
