After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
