oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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