When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
