why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
