This is not my ceiling
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
