So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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