Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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