I think I won the penis lottery.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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