My sheets look like a crime scene.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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