oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
