I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
