I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
