I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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