dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
