I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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