dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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