Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
