Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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