What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
