i love accidental penises.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
