and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
