i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
