The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
