My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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