Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
